Scottish football is becoming too poor to eve laugh at… let’s hope it improves

FAREWELL then to the wee nation north of the border.

Ultra-consistent Scotland have left a major tournament without playing a knockout match for the 12th time in 12 attempts.

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And while some English might take joy from the misery of others — and wonder if our German hosts have a word for “schadenfreude” — Scottish football is becoming too poor to even laugh at.

The Tartan Army drank more than a million pints over ten days in Germany but their team had zero hope.

Steve Clarke’s side managed more yellow cards than shots on target during their three matches at the Euros.

Aside from a decent spell in their draw with Switzerland, the shower of Scotland pretty much stank the place out.

Scotland have won once in 12 games — against Gibraltar — since many fans arrived at Hampden last autumn expecting to see their resurgent team stuff the English, only to be sent homeward tae think again.

And when you remember that England, Scotland, Wales and the two Irish nations will all host the next European Championships in 2028, the state of  Celtic football is pretty alarming.

For those of us old enough to remember the old Home Championship — almost always closely fought at the end of the season — the state of football in Scotland, Wales and Ireland looks pitiful now.

Give or take a toss-up between Luke Shaw and Andy Robertson at left-back — and, fully fit, I’d go for Shaw — a composite starting XI of all five British and Irish nations would be the England XI.

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If you grew up in the era of Kenny Dalglish, Graeme Souness and Alan Hansen,  as well as Ian Rush, Mark Hughes and Neville Southall, Pat Jennings and Liam Brady, that situation is staggering.

If you go back as far as George Best, Denis Law and big John Charles, then it will feel even stranger still.

But Wales, who lost in the Euros play-offs, are managerless after Rob Page was sacked following this month’s goalless draw with Gibraltar.

Thanks to the retirement of Gareth Bale, there are no world-class talents and few regular Premier League starters from the principality.

It’s worse still for the Republic of Ireland — who pretty much only ever beat Gibraltar these days — and haven’t had a permanent manager for seven months now.

Former Republic midfielder Lee Carsley snubbed the job to remain in charge of England’s Under-21s.

It doesn’t help that England nabbed their two best players — Declan Rice, who won three senior caps for Ireland, and Jack Grealish, who played for their Under-21s.

Both have since attracted nine-figure transfer fees.

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That Grealish could not even make England’s 26-man Euros squad is an extra kick in the teeth for the Irish.

No wonder balaclava- botherer James McClean has been having a pop at Rice on Irish TV, caling the Arsenal man “over-rated”.

At a time when dual nationality is increasingly common, the idea anyone with an Irish granny would play for Ireland over England is long gone.

Northern Ireland are the smallest of the five nations but qualified for two World Cups in the 1980s and reached the knockouts at Euro 2016.

But currently Michael O’Neill’s men simply don’t have the  talent to be competitive.

Having handed Euro 2028 hosting rights to all five nations, Uefa have themselves in a pickle about qualification.

Nothing is yet finalised but they want to hand out no more than two automatic spots.

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Several stars have lit up the group stages with their skills on the pitch – but others are also catching the eye for their looks.

But who is the sexiest?

Thankfully AI boffins have carried out an analysis on the facial attractiveness of all players at the tournament.

And it’s bad news for Gareth Southgate’s Three Lions who are the fourth UGLIEST in the competition – one place below Scotland.

In fact it’s England’s group rivals Serbia who have fans swooning the most – boasting an average score of 77.90/100 with defender Strahinja Pavlovic deemed their most attractive.

While Turkey defender Mert Muldur has been ranked as the tournament’s BEST-LOOKING player.

But who is England’s sexiest star, and who makes the Euros’ hunkiest XI? Read our full story.

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The FA want England to go through qualification to keep them competitive ahead of the tournament — so let’s hope they don’t give the job back to Steve McClaren or they won’t even make it.

But what ought to be a festival of football across Britain and Ireland is likely to see some Celtic nations failing to make the party and others struggling to justify their spot.

Even from an English perspective, this is sad. These were great footballing rivals not long ago.

But talent has dried up in Scotland, Wales and Ireland, while standards have improved elsewhere in Europe.

If the cosmopolitan nature of the Premier League has  hindered the England team it is far worse for the other home nations, who used to have scores of players regularly starting in the English top flight.

Scotland’s loss to Hungary, in which they were terrible, is being blamed on the nationality of the Argentinian ref who didn’t give them a penalty.

And then there is the “wee nation” argument that ignores the fact Croatia has a significantly smaller population than Scotland but reached the semis of the last two World Cups.

So as we wave the Tartan Army goodbye and as German publicans restock their beer cellars, let’s wish them well.

We’re all supposed to be staging a big party four years from now  and it would be nice if our co-hosts could make the effort to turn up.

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IT’S open season on Gareth Southgate since England’s dismal draw with Denmark.

But those ridiculing the Three Lions boss for bemoaning the lack of a natural replacement for Kalvin Phillips are wide of the mark.

Phillips’ career has nosedived in the last two seasons but he dovetailed well  with Declan Rice and was England’s player of the year in 2021, when they reached a major final.

The Phillips who was branded ‘the Yorkshire Pirlo’ at Leeds would have been perfect for the starting XI at these Euros. England do not possess an experienced player to replace him.

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I’M sick of ex-players acting as hyperactive cheerleaders for their old clubs in the media.

The childish goal celebrations, references to clubs as ‘us’ and ‘we’ and the overall lack of objectivity are tiresome.

Those in the media have a duty to be neutral and honest. And Gary Lineker was just that when calling England’s display against Denmark ‘s***’.

But Lineker was wrong to suggest Harry Kane was unwittingly put on the spot by dastardly journalists when the England captain hit back at his fellow World Cup Golden Boot winner.

Kane agreed with the FA he would front up specifically to address negative comments from Lineker and others.

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THE final round of group-stage games is the time when a tournament truly comes alive.

But that’s provided that tournament is symmetrical, such as a 32-team World Cup or the old 16-nation Euros.

Take for example the extraordinary drama of the two concurrent Spain v Japan and Germany v Costa Rica games in Qatar, which sent the Germans home.

But with a 24-team Euros, in which four third-placed teams reach the KO stage, that drama is severely diluted.

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THE old lie is that VAR is only a shambles in the Premier League.

But claims that it works perfectly abroad were exploded again when Romelu Lukaku had a goal chalked off for Belgium against Slovakia for a farcical handball decision.

VAR will always sap the joy out of football.

And it doesn’t matter who is in charge of it.