I won five titles with Celtic and 44 Scotland caps but I don’t miss playing

CHARLIE MULGREW has lifted the lid on the fear and anxiety he was gripped by as a player.

The ex-Celtic defender retired last year after more than 500 club appearances and 44 Scotland caps.

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But Mulgrew has revealed how the pressures of playing pushed him to the brink of depression.

In a frank interview, he admits he would panic before games — and sometimes celebrate when matches were postponed.

Mulgrew, 38, said: “I don’t miss playing. Not once since I retired in September have I wished I was there.

“The pressure games were bringing me was outweighing my motivation for playing. Being a footballer is huge pressure. It’s not spoken about enough.

“There’s so much fear and anxiety playing in front of that crowd. You live your life in a glass bowl, you’re constantly judged.

“It’s something you need to live with, but I don’t miss it.

“Did I panic before games? Of course. If you aren’t nervous before a game there’s something wrong with you. It’s human nature.

“The tell-tale sign is in the winter when you wake up in a hotel for an away game. Someone tells you — and this has happened to every player — the game is off.

“In the pre-match meal the atmosphere goes from nobody saying a word to through the roof because there’s a weight off your shoulders and the place is buzzing.”

Mulgrew’s final full season at Dundee United — when they crashed out of the Premiership — convinced him he’d finally had enough.

He said: “It was going to take a season like that to see me out. It was horrendous.

“The season before we had finished fourth. The highs were winning 1-0 and scraping through games. A lot of the games you didn’t enjoy, but we were in Europe, so I thought I’d continue.

“We won 1-0 against AZ Alkmaar and were buzzing, then we went away and lost seven.

“I didn’t play against Celtic, but to lose 9-0, you were just spiralling into depression.

“The fear and everything is coming, then you’re just getting beaten and beaten. Before you know it, you’re lower than a snake’s belly confidence-wise and getting accused of downing tools.

“The last thing you want to do is down tools, but you are gone. You are emotionally drained and bordering on depression. The fans are judging and booing every time you get the ball.

“You’re in front of 12,000 who say you’re not fighting for the club. Everything you’re doing is to get the club to stay in the league because who does it benefit to go down? It doesn’t benefit me.

“I wanted to end on a high and stay up, but you’re almost playing with a 50kg backpack on mentally. You end up trying too hard and overthinking.

“I had offers from Partick Thistle and Hamilton and I told the managers I didn’t know if I had the motivation. You want to win and don’t want to make a fool of yourself.

“But does the benefit outweigh that feeling? In the end, it didn’t.
“If I regretted it I’d say I’d made a bad decision. I sometimes miss the changing room and training, but I play sixes twice a week and that’s great.”

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Yet Mulgrew admits there is a love-hate relationship with the pressures that come with playing at the top.

He said: “That’s the crazy thing, you still want to be there. It’s your passion. You want to be playing for Celtic and teams that want to win.

“It comes at a cost, but it’s the greatest thing when you win.

“But a lot of fear and pressure goes into that. If you lose, it’s a nightmare until the next game.

“You go out in front of 60,000 fans who demand you win and are scrutinising everything you do.

“It’s why you’re a Celtic player and why, when you win, you get that buzz. And when you don’t, you get that other side.

“There’s a lot of fear, but there’s nowhere else you’d rather be.

“Anything worth having in life is hard, but it’s still amazing.

“Getting beaten off Rangers to lose the league on the last day is a complete low. You’ve had all the nerves and fear in the build-up.

“To win the Double there, when Adam Idah scored in the last minute in the Scottish Cup final, those are the highs you live for.”

Ex-Aberdeen and Blackburn defender Mulgrew’s obsession has moved from playing to coaching after landing a post as Hamilton Under-18s boss last month.

He hopes his own experiences can help some of Accies’ kids — as well as his own son.

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Mulgrew added: “If I go back to my 17-year-old self and give myself the mindset I have now, I’d probably be a lot more equipped to deal with it.

“But I’ve got a strong passion for the coaching and management side and I want to pass on that knowledge and emotional intelligence to players.

“I want them to understand I know what they’re going through and let them play with freedom within a structure and how I see the game.

“You don’t have a crystal ball here, though.

“My wee boy has gone full-time with Celtic and people ask if he has a chance. Can you get inside his head? Because I don’t know what he’s thinking.

“I know what I was thinking. I had a lot of doubts and fears and resilience, and if I could give any young boy anything it would be resilience.

“Can you go through the lows? Because there will be plenty.

“Some are as little as getting dropped from the 18s.

“You could be training with the first team, have a nightmare and then next day you aren’t training with them.

“You could be released from Celtic like me, go to Wolves, get released there.

“You go to Aberdeen, don’t miss a game, play well and get back to Celtic.

“And all of a sudden you’re thinking, ‘Hold on a minute, how am I back here?’. It’s just mad. It’s how you bounce back.”

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