Race is on to see who is axed first by Scotland – John Swinney or Steve Clarke

THE race is on to see which FM goes first.

Scotland’s First Minister — or Scotland’s Football Manager.

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Because let’s be honest here.

For both John Swinney and Steve Clarke, life right now is absolutely F-ing Murder.

On the pitch, Sunday night’s latest last-minute collapse in Lisbon made it nine defeats, four draws and just one measly win in our last 14 games.

It’s the kind of form that, in one of the most ruthless workplaces imaginable, only ever seems to end with the gaffer being sent on his way with a mealy-mouthed statement from the board thanking him for his efforts.

Yet at least our footballers are still giving their all, even if it hasn’t turned out to be enough for what feels like an eternity.

At least if, and when, the time comes for a change in the dugout, the nation will have genuine reason to thank Clarke for all the good times.

But the day Swinney goes — and it’s speeding towards him like Cristiano Ronaldo at full pelt — what will we be writing in HIS farewell card?

Thanks for hee-haw?

At least you weren’t Patrick Harvie?

See you in another 20 years when they can’t find anyone else?

It genuinely is that difficult to dredge the memory for anything he’s achieved.

And if the person who occupies the country’s most important political role has nothing on their CV to recommend them other than a perfect attendance badge, that country’s in serious bother.

Again, at least Clarke’s current traumas can be seen via the perspective of a terrific record across his first three years in charge.

He’ll always be the man who reunited the team with the Tartan Army, who led us back into major international tournaments after 25 years of isolation and humiliation.

Whereas Swinney is the man who . . . give me a minute, something will spring to mind . . . talk among yourselves . . . 

Yeah, that’s it! Swinney is the man who was always there in the background while others tried and failed, hopping from foot to foot in desperation to be spotted, to be asked to step up to the plate.

It’s not much of an epitaph, to be fair.

Though it’s still better than the one he wrote for himself the other day, when he admitted to being the man who was “nervous” about Wee Nicola constantly banging on about independence despite a lack of public demand — yet who, eight years later, still made it the No1 item on the SNP’s General Election manifesto.

An election, remember, in which the SNP’s performance made Scotland’s at the Euros look like that of conquering heroes.

So, in short, here we are with the two most important institutions in the land — our devolved government and our national team — both being led by men whose jackets are on pegs shooglier than a six-year-old’s baby teeth after biting into a toy fire engine.

Question is, do either of them have the minerals to turn it all around?

How long can they keep swimming against the tide?

How often can they face defeat and go again?

Where does the energy come from to keep putting on a brave face in public?

Stick either one in front of a microphone today, of course, and they’ll tell you pretty much the same thing: That they have a contract until 2026 and fully intend to see it out.

For Swinney, that means hanging in there until the next Holyrood election. For Clarke, it’s about being in charge until after the next World Cup.

The only issue being that both operate in worlds where contracts aren’t worth the paper they’re printed on.

Because, at the end of the day, Brian, both operate in results-driven businesses.

So no matter how much they might believe they deserve to see the job through, once public opinion turns against them, it can all go to pot in the blink of an eye.

For me, that time might just arrive in the early months of next year.

In March, it’ll be time for Scotland to begin the qualifying campaign for that 2026 World Cup, a task the manager believes he deserves a crack at.

After two defeats in our first two Nations League games, and with four more tough ties to be played before the end of the year, however, he could very easily be spending January and February with his future in the hands of others.

As for Swinney, the cost-slashing Budget he’s preparing to present to parliament in December will go to a vote in February — and unless he shows some astonishing negotiation skills between now and then, it’s one he’s going to find hellish hard to win.

Lose it and he’s a goner, simple as that. Vote of no confidence, off you pop, possibly taking the Nats with him if Labour swoop in and force us to the polls a year early.

But hey, let’s look on the bright side.

Maybe our First Minister will find a couple of billion quid down the back of a Bute House couch and go down in history as the man who turned the economy around in an afternoon.

And maybe our Football Manager will win those next four games and head into the new year as a reborn Messiah.

We can only live in hope.

Even if it’s forever the hope that kills us.